Ms. Self-doubt & Friends

I feel like a small-little-nothing sometimes. Like my words have no meaning, my thoughts no voice and my life, no direction. I feel as if I am just a puppet, with someone else’ fingers twisting and turning me. As if my mouth just opens and shuts and my eyes just stay glued to one place, and yet, the world sees me laughing and talking in a voice that seems to be mine. But isn’t.

Does that ever happen to you? Do you ever feel like you are stuck in a whirlpool of thoughts and all these thoughts are pulling you apart bit by bit and shredding your very soul? Does this happen in the dead of the night? When your loved ones are tucked in bed and you can’t figure out what you did to deserve them? Or does it happen at work? When your best ideas are thrown down a rabbit hole and you are left feeling empty and worthless? Is it when you think of what you’ve achieved and manage to credit the ghosts from your past instead? Or can you simply not think of these ‘achievements’?

Because if this does happen to you, take a vacation to my land. I call this journey, Malice in WhatHaveIEverDoneRightLand. Take a dip in the pool of Self-Doubt or jump right off the Most Horrible Decisions of my Life cliff. Or find me at the Misery Bar and I’ll buy you a drink that tastes like defeat with just a hint of failure. And once we are soaked in self-pity and our dreams are all crushed and dusted, I will take you to the Sunrise point. The path is lined with thorns and pointy pebbles that shriek with painful delight every time you step on them. But it’s worth the tedious walk. Because the minute those rays touch your face and the morning birds start chanting their songs, you’ll feel your feet lift off the rocky ground. You’ll find yourself back in your bed, in your sheets, your head resting on your own pillow, in your own world.

You will wake up in the world that you’ve created and managed to wade through, despite its colossal challenges. Like the time that you accidentally rubbed your eye while munching on Chips and thought that you were on fire and it was the end of the world. But after a few good washes and carefully crafted curses, you were back to munching Chips. And that’s the circle of stupidity, my friend.

Sometimes, you will do things that will seem absolutely ridiculous in hindsight. They could be impulsive decisions or even thoughtfully laid out plans. But every now and then, you will be pushed into the whirlpool of low self-esteem. You will question your abilities and craft a web of self-hatred around you. You will even find solace in your failures and give up and lie down. And that’s okay. Let the uncertainty work its way through your system. Let the challenges roast on a pit of fire. Take a few steps back, relax, and when you are ready, you will find your feet running  towards the pit with unforeseen strength and before you even know it, you will have jumped right across the flames.

You will be just fine.

 Your struggles won’t always be struggles, your self-worth won’t always look like a blown out candle and your failures won’t always sit on your shoulders nagging and misdirecting you. Take some time off and spend it doing whatever you love. Watch a soppy movie or sing-along to old 90’s tunes. Re-visit the good times and pat yourself on the back for every little thing you can think of.

It’s okay to take a stroll in the WhatHaveIEverDoneRightLand, as long as you make your way to the sunrise point. And if you ever get lost, ask people for directions. Because you might feel like the land is all yours, but there are many more souls like me who are often found wandering on the MyLifeIsASucks Street, and we are always there to help you find your way back. We’ll even walk with you and crack dirty jokes if it helps!

Vedangi Dandwate  

Note: Our initiative of the month #mytime4love was conceptualized because we often forget to take time out for ourselves. We forget the voracious orator in us, or the craftsman who won every contest at school, or the athlete who stepped into a different kind of race and lost her footing. We forget that to love ourselves, we need to first like ourselves. And that’s hard to do if we don’t DO what we like. So we hope that you will make some time for yourself and do something you love. Even the darkest fears will cower in the light of your self-love. Wishing you a confident tomorrow!